The Villain Era
Am I the worst? Or has a rumor been nursed?
Chicago Spring Whiplash
The insane Chicago weather patterns—hot, cold, rain, sleet, storm!, sun—are very much aligned with my personal state of affairs.
I continue to run my business (sleet/storm!) and my personal writing (sun), so things are a yo-yo of emotions, wins, and failures.
I guess we call that living.
In exciting news, I had my first short story published in a minute. It’s in a humor magazine called Defenestration and definitely R-rated.
I’m very proud of it, because, if someone asked: “What’s a Tedd Hawks story?” This unhinged comedy romp with an uplifting ending is definitely a great example.
It’s called “It Could Be a Frog”. You can check it out here.
Below is a longer-form post about this time when my family turned against me. Nbd. I can be a monster.
My Creative Stuff
Tedd—Now with Villain Superpowers!
Quickie: Family rumors spiraled out of control.
This winter I was planning on visiting my parents in Florida for a long weekend with Emilio. Usually when we go down, it’s early February, so it’s pretty cheap—the post-Christmas, pre-spring break kind of pricing.
But this year— I’ve no idea why—prices had gone up. It made more sense to fly into Tampa and save $200 than it did to fly into the local airport close to them.
When I saw this, I immediately called my mom and asked about it. The conversation went something like this:
“Hey, Mom—it looks like it’s a lot cheaper to fly into Tampa. Could you guys pick us up? Or is that too out-of-the-way?”
“Oh, we can get you! That would be so fun—we could go shopping or spend the day downtown. Go ahead and book!”
This seemed like a really green flag to me (spoiler alert: It was not), so I booked the flights and didn’t think much more of it.
Flash forward to Christmas and I’m with my family. My brother and I are alone in the kitchen, and he winds up:
“I heard you’re making Mom pick you up in Tampa. I don’t know why you’re stressing them out like that.”
To which I responded: “Wait, what?”
This confusion didn’t stop the reprimands, though: “They’re old… They shouldn’t be driving in city traffic… Mom’s super stressed… I don’t know why you’re making them do this… It seems pretty selfish…”
I defended myself, of course, making it clear that Mom basically joined the Tampa Visitor’s Bureau to convince me to come, but my brother was extremely skeptical, as if I had this elaborate scheme in place to force my parents at gunpoint to pick me and Emilio up.
Something like:
Japanese Railroad Tracks – Day
Villain Tedd twirls his mustache as he ties his mother to the tracks.
Villain Tedd: MUWAHAHAHAHA! Well, you old bag! It’s time to decide: Pick me up in Tampa or face the Shinkansen bullet train!
Mother: Oh, Tedd! No! We don’t want to! Not Tampa! Never Tampa!
Villain Tedd: Either agree or get sliced to bits by Japanese engineering!
Mother: Fine, fine! We’ll do it! My god it may kill us, but we’ll do it!
Villain Tedd: And we’re stopping at McDonald’s so I can get a sweet treat on the way to your house!
Mother: Oh god! You know how we feel about their fries!
Train horn sounds in the distance.
Villain Tedd: Here comes the train, Mother! Better make peace with the fries!
That was only the first conversation I had about my supervillain scheme to get picked up in Tampa. The next person who said something was my sister-in-law, although it was much less judgmental.
“You know your parents are wigging out about the Tampa thing.”
When I got home, I called my parents and brought it up. I really didn’t want to give them both heart attacks despite what my family assumed was a very dark villainous impulse to have them convey me wherever, whenever I wanted.
“Hey, Mom, I heard it’s stressing you out about Tampa.”
This was met with a litany of reasons why driving to Tampa was worse than death. My mom and stepdad were on speakerphone, so it was an attack in surround sound: It’s far… The traffic… We’d never drive there… There has to be some other way… The crime!...
“Okay,” I said. “We can rent a car and just drive from the airport.”
“Oh, could you!”
Japanese Train Tracks – Day
Villain Tedd is being eaten by wolves as Hero Tedd unties his mother from the Shinkansen tracks.
Mother: Oh, Tedd! You came! You saved the day!
Hero Tedd: All in a day’s work mother! I can use this thing called “The Internet” in which to secure a “rental car” to drive us to your home.
Mother: Our hero!
When I hung up the phone, I couldn’t help but think about how the whole thing was far too reminiscent of my corporate job. You know, someone brings up a problem, it gets fired out to twenty committees, eight slide decks are made, a project manager is brought in, and all someone had to do was send an email and be like, “Brad, can you fix this thing? It’s annoying.”
My whole family had been brought into this supposed scheme in which I mandated my parents to Oregon Trail it from their home to Tampa so that I could ride in climate-controlled chariot and save $200. But all anyone had to do was just say: “Tedd, your parents don’t want to drive to Tampa.” There were 9000 solutions to this non-problem. So many people were stressed for no reason!
Don’t worry, though, I still give my brother crap about it when we talk. “Visiting Mom this summer, flying into Cuba, just so they have to go extra far to pick me up.”
My brother does not think this is funny.
But Villain Tedd very much does. MUWAHAHAHAHA! … Don’t follow him anywhere near the railroad tracks.
Conclusion
Hope everyone had a great April!
For this month’s song, someone posted an in depth analysis of this Alanis Morissette jam, and I’d forgotten how it can make me go full Seinfeld-Desperado.
"You were warned about Tampa Tedd!" - The Tabbies
This totally captures the family dynamic! And the super villain angle is so funny! How many times did I think I was doing one of my parents a favor to find out one of my siblings thought I was awful!